A Short Course in Clearing Customs

I probably enter and leave the U.S. about two dozen times a year. By far

the most unpleasant part of traveling-more than the delays, the endless

hours in a flying cigar tube, the irregular schedules it entails-is going

through customs and immigration. The people working for these agencies are

about the bottom of the barrel.

I suspect many, even most, people resent being herded like cattle into

lines in order to be interrogated, have their baggage rifled and have their

government-issued papers stamped. But, in years of watching my fellow

citizens being processed, I find it rare that any have other than an

ingratiating smile for the agent. Clearly, most Americans are whipped dogs,

ready and willing to have a cavity search performed on their person if some

nothing-nobody in a uniform sends them to a back room.

It's part of a general process causing Americans to lose whatever

self-respect and individuality they might still have-which was the main

thing that's always distinguished them from nationals of other countries,

most of whom are inured to acting like sheep.

I suggest you study your body language, and that of others, when next you

clear customs. Here are a few practical suggestions. Do these, and you'll

feel better about yourself:

*Don't cringe and supplicate. Stand tall, look the agent straight in the

eye and, under no circumstances, smile. Your demeanor should not be, like

most, that of a child, afraid to be scolded. It should be that of an

objective scientist studying a familiar but unappealing insect.

*Answer questions curtly, with a single word. Don't volunteer anything. Don't

make small talk. Don't make pleasant conversation like all the whipped

dogs around you.

* If the agent proves inquisitive, ask, in a firm and business-like way,

exactly why he's asking. If you get an unsatisfactory brushoff, ask to see

the regulation authorizing them to ask you that specific question.

* Never lose your temper or cool.

*Don't adopt an attitude, or be a hard case; you're not looking for

trouble. You simply want to maintain your space and integrity in a

nonaggressive manner, which is quite enough to come out way on top.

*Never lie, or say anything from which you'll have to backpedal. You don't

want to give them an opening to go on the offensive. It's imperative to

maintain the high moral and psychological ground.

* If you have a problem with the agent's attitude, ask to see his

supervisor. In dealing with the supervisor be businesslike, rational, and a

concerned citizen, interested in seeing that everything is done in a 100%

correct, proper, and by-the-book fashion.

* If you're not treated in a correct and proper manner, ask for the names

and numbers of those involved, write them down, and then write a letter to

their superiors. You won't, incidentally, get their names. But I promise you

it will ruin their day.

* If the agent says "Thank you", your response should be neither "Thank

you" nor "You're welcome", unless you'd also thank a mugger. You've just

had your privacy violated, and it could have turned into a nightmare. One

time when an agent thanked me, I simply looked at him and walked off. He had

the impertinence to call after me, saying "I said, thank you." I looked back

at him, and said "I heard you the first time."

I've had many fascinating interchanges with these people over the years,

and practice makes perfect. If everyone treated these bedbugs with the

disdain they deserve, it would quickly cave in their fragile persona and

they'd have to go out and find productive employment. The reason I suggest

you deal with them as I've described, however, is for your own benefit, and

that of society, not for that of the agent.

Only once have I encountered an agent who seemed like he might be a decent

human being. On that occasion, I said, with true interest and concern: "You

know, you seem like a decent guy. What are you doing here?" His response was

a look of unhappy resignation, and he said "I don't know. I've really got to

get out of this game."

 

The most overblown, overrated, disappointing, popular, and stupid movie of

the season? The prize goes to Independence Day. The movie is full of dumb

dialog and even dumber technical errors. The first job of a work of

cinematic fiction is to suspend disbelief, to make you say to yourself "Yes,

I know it's just a story, but everything is the way it would be in real

life." I have no problem with an alien invasion; it's a far out, but not

unbelievable, prospect. The problem is things like fighter pilot Smith

shucking and jiving over to a downed alien craft, sitting down on it,

lighting a cigar, and then simply punching the alien in the head (through

its space suit) to knock it out after it opens the hatch. Or like the

earthlings attacking the alien orbiters (each described as larger than

Manhattan Island) with conventional munitions; a laughable concept. And a

dozen more things like that.

The movie reminded me of the brain dead 70's TV series Battlestar Galactica

come to the big screen. The only credible characterization was the

scum sucking Secretary of Defense, who reminded me of a cross between Robert

MacNamara and Dick Cheney.

I can live with wasting $7 and a couple of hours. What really got me was

how much- and why- Americans seemed to like the movie. Especially the "why",

which would appear to be a celebration of everyone joining together to

defeat a threat from outside, resulting in the total destruction of an

innately evil and uncompromisingly aggressive enemy. The problem is when

people are looking for an enemy like that, they usually find him.

The movie fits the mood set by the recent TWA explosion and the Atlanta

pipe bombing. And that's an ugly mood. One tipoff to the movie's abysmal

quality was that America's second most dangerous politician, Bob Dole, a man

who's previously reviewed movies he hasn't even seen, said Independence Day

was the type of movie Hollywood ought to be making. God help us. The man

would be even worse as a movie reviewer than as President.

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